The main
advice I would choose to give anybody wishing to be left alone is to not
declare their intentions. If I had
to pinpoint the one major mistake I made when going about my plans, that would
be it. It’s very easy for a
single, middle-aged man with far flung relatives to disappear off the radar by
accident – all it takes are a couple of unanswered phone calls from the four or
five people who still telephone him on a seasonal basis, and eventually they’ll
forget about him entirely. For a
man to trumpet his intentions to all and sundry in a fit of pique, though –
that’s a colossal error.
It all began
with my mother’s death. I will
admit it was a shock to me. She
was my sole surviving parent, and despite her age seemed completely
indestructible. If I wept,
however, it was only for the missed opportunities we both had in life to
perhaps get on with each other. My father had died of cancer a mere two years
after I was born, and she spent most of my childhood complaining to me about
what a curse her life was, having to bring a child up by herself. It didn’t take me long to draw the
conclusion that I was in the way.
I had always
assumed that my father dying was also the reason behind us living in relative
poverty, but when I was at the reading of her will I received my second
shock. I may never have received
any presents from her but it was, as they say, as if all my Christmases had
come at once. I am tempted to
advise any parents who may be reading this to starve their children of gifts in
a similar way – the elation in later life almost makes up for it.
I arrived at
work the next day and immediately announced my intention to quit. The windfall I had received would be
enough to pay the mortgage off on my small terraced house, and leave plenty of
funds besides for wise investment.
Not only did I tell them I was due to quit, I also spelt out to my
colleagues there my intentions in full:
- That they were to never contact
me again for any reason.
- That I would consider anybody
turning up to my house to be a form of harassment, and that I would pursue
the matter with the police.
- That I had always hated them
anyway, just in case they were in any way concerned about my wellbeing or
my motives behind clauses one and two.
With that, I
put a hastily scribbled resignation letter down on my boss’s desk (who was
enjoyably speechless for once) and left the office, never to return.
I sent
similar messages to my friends, who were by now distant from me either in
location or in attitude anyway, and sat down and waited for the silence I
genuinely hoped would descend upon my life. Of course, society refuses to make such moves so
simple. No friend ever got back in
touch, but somehow my behaviour registered with somebody somewhere in
authority, as a social worker visited my house. The conversations I had with the pony-tailed prick who came
to visit were among the dullest and bleakest I have ever had in my life. Perhaps it was meant as payback in some
way.
“Was your
mother’s death a shock to you?” he asked, more than once.
“Of course it
was a fucking shock,” I replied. “Why are you even asking me that?”
At this, he
would nod sagely, as if he had hit upon the root of the problem. On the other occasion he came round, he
probed me deeper to consider the effect of my actions upon society at large.
“I want to be left alone,” I replied.
“For the longest time in my life I have wanted this, and now I finally have the
means to achieve my ambition”.
“Why do you
want to be left alone?” he asked.
“To avoid
conversations like this one,” I said.
“No, really,” he said, smiling and touching
my arm.
“I meant what
I said,” I told him.
Next came the
children in the school holidays. I
awoke late one morning to hear stones striking the window of my bedroom, and
looked out on to the street outside to hear children yelling “Oi, Gandalf! Gandalf, you fucking prick!”
Quick as a flash I opened the window and bellowed at them to “Fuck off”, at which point they fell around laughing. One immediately began singing “Oi, Gandalf you prick, where’s your fucking wand?”, and was rapidly followed by his sidekicks, singing and running along the street.
They were
back the next day. And the day
after that. And the day after
that. It was stupid of me to swear
at them. Foul language is one
thing, but giving troubled children the attention they crave is a much bigger
social faux pas. I started to go
to the rear of the house as soon as they came to bother me in future, and once
the holidays were over it seemed to be forgotten about. Before time I stopped being a local
figure of curiosity and began to get the silence I had craved for so long.
Of course, my
life wasn’t empty, and I had pursuits to occupy my time. I hadn’t been completely idle since my
mother’s death, and had in fact begun to build chess sets from scratch. There was never any purpose to this,
since I had no need to sell them to anyone and had no desire to invite anybody
around for a game, but I had always admired the different styles the pieces
came in, and the craftsmanship that went into a good, solid board. Once I had made thirty different sets,
however, my options began to get limited, so I began to invent boards of my own
– smaller boards hidden inside cube-shaped large boards, boards incorporating
mirrors and glass, sets consisting entirely of pawns in the shapes of
celebrities with the King and Queen as Jesus and Mary, boards with pendulums
attached with bishops hanging by their necks from the swinging cord, boards
which folded out into a space as large as the floor of my front room with
factory workers, peasants, bankers, and vicars alongside the knights and
rooks. I invented logic systems
for them all, rules for games which were never going to be played or even
explained to anyone else. If
anybody were to burst into my house tomorrow and accuse me of being lazy, I
think they would be quite shocked at just how much I’ve achieved.
When you’re
living alone and only going outside for constitutional strolls or visits to the
hardware store or supermarket, it’s surprising how meaningless time
becomes. Nonetheless, I would
estimate that I had achieved five years of relatively uninterrupted bliss
before I encountered my next disturbance.
It happened on a September afternoon. I was sanding down a wooden chess piece in my bedroom when I
became aware of voices outside. I
looked out of the window to see two young women sat on the wall of my front
garden. I stared at them for a minute or two. One was a typical and
unremarkable looking teenage girl with her hair dyed banana blonde, the other a
scruffy, short figure with cropped and wavy hair, wearing a grey cardigan and
faded corduroy trousers. She
looked like somebody who could have been a young student at any point in the
last fifteen years - timelessly broke looking.
I creaked my
window open, and small pieces of plaster fell around me as it banged and
snapped into position. They failed
to even notice, and so I caught a few seconds of their drab conversation.
“Yeah,” said
the blonde one in a nasal voice, “don’t bother getting a job in your first year
of college. That’s the most
important time to develop your work.
Leave it until the second or third year.”
“Oh, I can’t believe I’m studying art at
Goldsmiths!” giggled the other girl excitedly. “How many people can really say that? How
many?”
“Excuse me!”
I interrupted. “Is there anything I can do to help either of you?”
They both
took perplexed glances at me – looks I had by now grown used to from the public
– then the brunette smiled and sweetly and simply replied: “No, sorry. We’ll be off”.
She patted
the shoulder of her friend, and they both walked away from me towards the north
end of the street. Unusually,
however, she turned to me and smiled – not vindictively or mockingly, but genuinely
– just as she began to walk away.
I tried to suppress the pang of jealousy in my chest as I watched them
both leave. Their lives seemed
full of possibilities, ones which had long closed off to me. They were both drunk on their prospects
of their youth and the infinite number of directions their lives could go
in. I couldn’t even borrow a
second of that feeling from them.
I had long accepted that in my life, as one door closed, another door
closed also.
I had thought
that would be the end of the matter until I heard a knock at my door a week
later. Upon opening it gingerly,
believing it to be another possible visit from the authorities, I was amazed to
see the smiling brunette girl standing in front of me again.
“Hello,” she
said, looking at me as if I were a familiar friend.
“Hello,” I
replied, then, in an unfriendly tone meant to terminate all conversation,
“Look, what do you want, exactly?”
“Well, since
you ask,” she said, still smiling warmly, “I wanted to know if I could take a
look at your chess sets”.
I was lost
for words. I looked at her
disbelievingly, looking for any traces of familiarity – perhaps she was a
distant relative who had heard talk of my behaviour, for example – but I
recognized nothing. All I saw was
a very girlish looking, averagely pretty woman with olive skin and a certain
helpless scruffiness about her.
She couldn’t have been older than nineteen. In the end, I decided to continue being indignant with her.
“How do you
know about those?” I snapped.
“Well, in all
honesty,” she said, with a breezy wave of her hand, “I saw them through your
front window”.
I was amazed
by her brazen attitude. I had
never encountered that in people twice her age, particularly where all
approaches towards me were concerned.
I am quite sure that neighbours have peeked through my front window, for
instance, but they certainly wouldn’t bother to be so open about it.
“What were
you doing spying on me?” I asked, but I was surprised to find that my tone was
getting gentler.
“I just
guessed that you had to be up to something in there,” she replied, “and that it
would probably be interesting, whatever it was, and in the end my curiosity got
the better of me. Sorry,” she
said, with another disarming smile, and a very slight shrug of the
shoulders.
I relented
with a similar shrug of my own. I
figured she wouldn’t be back to bother me again if I showed her anyway, whereas
refusing would probably just make her even more curious, and cause her to snoop
around more. She followed me
inside the house.
“What’s your
name, then?” she enquired.
“Peter,
although don’t bother remembering it, because you won’t need to,” I said. “I suppose you want me to ask what
yours is as well, otherwise I’ll be considered ‘rude’ or something”, I
continued.
“My name’s
Danielle,” she giggled.
“Well, it
would be, wouldn’t it?” I reasoned.
“What?”
“Danielle,
Justine, Charlotte, one of those names,”
I sneered. “I don’t know why they didn’t just give you an entry form to art
college or stage school with your birth certificate”.
She looked at
me slightly perplexed rather than hurt, then followed me to the front room.
“Fuck me!”
she announced as soon as she walked through. “I mean – sorry but – Christ… this is a total… shock. There’s even more than I could see
through the window!”
Her mouth was
agape, and she was staring at the plethora of pointless toys in the room. Her head moved backwards and forwards,
taking in the board with its bishop pendulum, the cube board with illusions of
mirrors and glass, and the semi-burnt board of bored arsons.
“This… can
you actually play games on any of these?”
“You can,” I
replied, “but you can’t really win at any of them, not unless your playing
partner is so brainlessly bored that he or she makes a stupid mistake or just
quits.”
“How do you
mean?” she asked.
“They have
rules, but they’re not rules designed for intellectual stimulation or fun”.
She continued
to gawp at me, so I impatiently continued, hoping explaining the situation
would cause her to lose interest and go away.
“Look,” I
said, “see this celebrity chess board here? It consists of a King and a Queen, who are Jesus and Mary,
and nothing else apart from pawns.
Endless pawns in the shape of Hugh Grant, Nicole Kidman, Princess Diana
and Steve Guttenberg, and others besides.
In fact,” I continued, “you could fill this whole bloody board with
pawns if you wanted to, from A list to Z list celebrities, and it wouldn’t make
any difference to the quality of the game. They can only move one space at a time, and they’re not much
fun to play with”.
She stared at
me for a bit to see if I was joking, then asked “Why did you build that?”
“I don’t
know,” I replied.
“Well, come
on,” she said, “I’m guessing you were going to do something with it – sell it,
exhibit it, something like that?”
“No,” I replied.
“I don’t want anything to do with other people, and doing anything with my work
would involve them getting them deeply involved with my life again”.
“Oh,” she
replied, as if this were something she heard every day.
She stayed
for a few minutes longer, walking around looking at everything I had done. It wasn’t the first time it had
received gazes from a chance visitor, of course – a plumber had seen it only
last year when one of my pipes burst – but it was the first time anyone had
shown it any particular interest.
I decided to let her carry on.
Watching her as she moved around, the jealousy I felt for her youth
returned, but I decided I didn’t completely dislike her as I did most
people. She had the confidence of
somebody much older, and the scrubbed, make-up free face of somebody who could
be trusted. You may think I’m
talking rubbish here, but believe me, you can gauge how much women can be
trusted by how much make-up they wear.
It’s no coincidence that air hostesses, shop assistants, and actresses
cake themselves in it – it’s their mask, their method of being somebody else,
somebody their job requires them to be.
If a woman turns up on a first date with you wearing thick make-up,
don’t kid yourself you’re going to learn anything genuine about her that night,
although don’t go doubting that she’ll want your entire life story before
she’ll agree to see you again. It
won’t be an even deal. It never is
with those sorts.
Finally,
Danielle seemed to decide that she had seen enough.
“I suppose I’d
better leave you in peace,” she said.
“Thanks for letting me in to have a look – it really is wonderful,
honestly”.
“No problem,”
I said. “Thanks for not being like all the other bastards in this area”.
That was a
huge compliment for me.
Shortly after
she left, I began to faintly miss her.
Or, not so much her, but the idea of somebody actually being interested
in my life. That angered me. I pushed it all to one side, and told
myself that it was all right – she would never call again anyway.
Weeks went
past. I visited the local hardware
store seven times to stock up on wood, and the supermarket twice to frugally
purchase the cheapest vegetables on offer. I designed a new chess board where all the pieces were
supposed to be marble mentors (pompous professor statues of a kind) but little
else of note happened. Then there
was a knock at the door again.
This time, I opened it and Danielle was stood there with her badly dyed
blonde friend.
“Er… this is a bit cheeky, I know…” Danielle started, “But would you mind if I showed Louise your chess boards?”
“Oh, never
mind,” I sighed, exasperated.
“Hello Louise, why not come in, eh?”
“Heddo,” said
Louise nasally.
Danielle got
me to explain the chess boards again, which I must confess I didn’t mind doing.
I’d explained the concept of them to myself over and over, so my pitch was
already very well rehearsed – but articulating my reasons made them sound like
something more than a folly, and therefore brought a purpose to my life. With
me vocalizing my intent, the work appeared to be acquiring meaning. Perhaps, like a tree falling in a
forest needing to be heard before it makes a noise, a folly needs to be given a
rational explanation by its creator to an audience before it becomes art.
Not that
Louise seemed very interested. She
seemed to spend the whole visit sniffing and looking marginally bored, whilst
Danielle gushed and pranced around everything I was doing trying to persuade
her how “marvelous” it was. After
a quarter of an hour or so of this failed attempt to persuade somebody else
that what I was doing was anything more than a total waste of time, Danielle
eventually gave up and said she’d be on her way.
“Nice to see
you again,” she said, “and sorry to trouble you.”
“Ah,
whatever,” I replied with a shrug.
Of course,
you will doubtless be familiar enough with the patterns of human interaction to
know that this wasn’t the last time I saw her at all. As much as I half-hoped this would be the case, I knew deep
down that the odds of her drifting back into the realms of strangers were
getting longer with each visit. In
fact, she came knocking on my door again a week later, this time by herself
again. Bypassing all niceties
entirely, she simply excitedly let herself into my house as soon as I opened my
door.
“Welcome,” I said, half-sarcastically.
“Listen,” she
jabbered, ignoring me entirely, “I’ve got a brilliant idea. The way I see it, you’ve got to go along with it. If I get some photos taken of this work
in your house, and show them to somebody at the art college, what do you reckon
about seeing if you can get them exhibited?”
“Danielle,” I
said through gritted teeth, “do you just not get it? I don’t need money, and I don’t need people to see what I’m
doing here. In fact, forget that,
I don’t even want people to see what
I do with my life.”
“But you do!”
she said. “I just don’t buy your stupid story that you’re doing it for no
reason!”
“Look,” I
said firmly, “It’s an intellectual and artistic exercise for me, OK? Some people play Suduko. Others fill in crosswords. Some people play solo tennis up against
a garden wall. I make chess boards
nobody can play with properly. I
also live by myself surviving on as little daily contact as I can get away
with. That happens to be the main ambition in my life at this stage, not
the chess boards.”
“Please,” she
said, fixing her large green eyes at mine.
“No,” I
insisted. “No. Nothing good will
come out of you showing your tutor somebody’s works of folly, and nothing good
is going to come out of my private work being displayed in a fucking gallery
anyway”.
“I think
people will like it,” she said, getting redder around the cheeks. “I don’t
think you know how much this is going to be appreciated by other people.”
She then did
something which surprised me. She stormed
into my front room and sat down on the only chair which rested in the
corner. There, she folded her legs
underneath herself in a typical yoga pose, and smiled at me defiantly.
“What are you
doing?” I asked.
“Guess,” she
replied.
“No, I really
can’t fathom out what on earth you’re trying to achieve”.
“Then I’ll
tell you,” she said smirking. “I am going to sit here until you agree to my
proposition. I am not going to move one inch. I’ll even sleep here the night if that’s what it takes. If you value your privacy so much,
you’ll do the right thing.”
I twitched
nervously.
“I could
easily turf you out, you know,” I countered.
“Yeah?” she
replied. “And do you want to know how easily that could be misinterpreted? A young girl in an old man’s house,
notorious local weirdo, all by herself… him dragging her screaming on to the
street… ooh, tut tut tut.”
“You wouldn’t
dare!” I yelled.
“Try me,” she
said, raising an eyebrow.
I sighed, and
left the room to go upstairs. As
it happened, I had stayed up most of the night carving chess pieces, and was
tired anyway. I estimated that if
I went to sleep for a few hours and returned downstairs again, she would have
lost patience and gone home. Seven
hours later, I went downstairs and found her up and about and as perky as ever,
sat in the same chair reading a book she had pulled down from one of my
shelves.
“Won’t people
wonder where you are?” I asked wearily.
“No,” she
said. “I slip off out and do
things by myself all the time. I’d
give it another 48 hours before anyone sends the police out looking for me”.
“Oh, for
fuck’s sake,” I conceded, “all right then, Danielle, have it your way. Take the photos of the chess
boards. What will it achieve
anyway? Just so long as I end up
seeing out the next few months here and not being interrogated by the fucking
police or some social worker again, do what you want”.
“Thanks,” she
said, smiling sweetly, and left.
I was
beginning to wonder if my original assessment of her was accurate at all, but
became aware of a swelling rush of excitement rather than the continual
snagging resentment I had felt around others for most of the last twenty
years.
When I next
went to the hardware store to buy some wood, I also purchased a bathroom
mirror. I had owned one before,
back in the days when I worked for a living and the way I presented myself
counted for something, but had deliberately unscrewed it from the wall and
dumped it as soon as I had decided to live a more solitary life. Appearances matter for nothing when you
have nobody in your life you wish to impress. I had got by in that time by occasionally trimming my beard
and hair with some kitchen scissors.
The odd glimpse in a shop window soon showed me if I looked fatally
ridiculous or not – mostly I just erred on the side of unsightly. With Danielle now clearly visiting
regularly, however, I decided I’d better make some sort of effort. It was good manners, that’s all – I
felt as if I’d made the girl feel uncomfortable enough already.
She arrived
with her friend Louise again the very next day, who had an expensive camera
hanging around her neck. She
wordlessly took Louise into the front room where she began snapping the boards,
with the same expression of vague boredom she had before, refusing to engage me
in conversation.
When she had
finished taking her photos, Danielle grinned triumphantly and said to me
“Thanks. I really mean it. You won’t regret this, Peter.”
I reeled from
the shock of hearing my own name so much – I had almost forgotten what it was –
that I almost didn’t notice her kiss me on the cheek as she made her way back
outside.
By the time I
next saw her, it was winter. I had
actually given up hope that she would ever knock on my door again, believing
that the likely result of our last meeting was probably disinterest and perhaps
mockery from the people she had shown Louise’s photos to. In one sense I was relieved, on another
I couldn’t help but locate a deep hurt, a drooping, melting hurt in the pit of
my stomach, about it all. I found
myself realizing that I had never bothered to take down her contact details –
why would I? – and I wondered what she was up to. I wondered about the art she might be doing herself, whether
I would ever get to see it, and who else she was friends with. I even wondered if she had a boyfriend.
When she
turned up this time, she was unseasonably tanned, her usually black hair had
gentle light brown streaks in it, and she had faint freckles on her nose and
above her lips.
“I’ve been to
Thailand!” she announced loudly by way of introducing herself.
“So I see,” I
said, and let her in.
“And as I
didn’t get you a Christmas present while I was away, I come bearing a
gift. I’ve shown your work to some
people who are interested in giving you an exhibition”.
I was stunned
into silence.
“It’s a small
little gallery in the East end, but it’s a good one – enough to get people
interested”, she said.
I continued
to say nothing.
“So, my
little friend,” she said in a strange fake Mexican twang, “you life changes
from here! What do you think about
that, eh?”
Silence
seemed to be the only logical response.
“Hey,” she
said. “aren’t you pleased?”
“I don’t know
what to think,” I replied.
“Because I’m really happy for you,” she said. “Come here,” she said, and hugged me. I hadn’t been hugged in three decades.
“Because I’m really happy for you,” she said. “Come here,” she said, and hugged me. I hadn’t been hugged in three decades.
The rules I
had built up around me had suddenly ceased to apply, and the world was now
banging at my door, telling me ridiculous stories, inviting me to share my
ridiculous notions… and anything seemed possible. In the heat of such a ridiculous Hollywood moment, and in
the spirit of anything being achievable, I kissed her on the lips.
“Pete, I…”
she said, so I went to grab her to kiss her again. She struggled and squirmed away from me, and the next few
moments were awkward, and I cannot quite explain what happened next. I think I remember shouting, but
somewhere between me reaching out for her and her attempting to get away, I
caught her by the arm, and the next thing I knew there was an almighty crash, a
thunderous noise as numerous wooden objects, incomplete chess pieces, parts of
board, and fireplace knick knacks fell in the struggle, and she was on the
floor, sobbing, a large cut above her left eye with blood oozing from it on to
the floor. She seemed momentarily
stunned, and I was speechless both about what I had attempted and the
consequences of it. She began to sob and ran out of my house on to the street
outside.
I decided not
to chase her. I felt I had done
enough damage for one evening.
After she
left, I regained enough composure to return to my front room, and sat in the
chair she loved to use. I did not
turn on the light, but I turned on my cheap, fake household fire, one of those
pathetic pieces of seventies plastic which simulates a flickering fire by the
unconvincing use of concealed red light bulbs and serrated metal discs. As the pseudo-flames flickered and span
around the walls of my room, I considered my own reckless stupidity, and
wondered if perhaps it was this – rather than other people – which had caused
me to retreat in the first place.
I also cursed
my fate. If anybody were in
control of my life, or people’s lives generally, and kept a timetable and a map
of who should meet and when – why did they choose Danielle to enter into my
life? Why her and not some fifty
year old widower, who might have been more suitable for making my life
better?
“Because,” I
thought to myself, “fifty year old widowers have gone on to develop other
concerns in their life besides eccentric men and their follies. They think about their children, about
walking holidays in the Peak District, about a safe retirement – not unusable
chess boards. It could only have been an impressionable young
teenager knocking at your door, who would only
have found the idea of a romantic kiss from a bearded, awkward, foul mouthed
fifty year old man repulsive”.
I barely had
time to think that when a new colour joined the room– the blue of a police car
light also swirled around in the midst of the fire’s fake flames, picking up
chess boards and pieces as it searched around the room. I only had seconds to admire this,
watching the cold and warm tones mingling with each other on the flock
wallpaper in a conflicting cocktail of homeliness and danger, when there was
another knock on the door, and a new gang of unwelcome people let themselves
into my life. From that moment, I
knew my original plan was as good as dead, and that I had shot my entire life
down with one solitary bad decision.
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